Feeling horrendous today.
I keep being haunted by one recent memory.
Two weeks ago I was at the Significant Other’s house, refusing to eat dinner. He keeps telling me that I am ‘meant to be getting better now’, which apparently means I have to eat dinner, which categorically was not going to happen. He gave me an utterly pointless ultimatum.
“Fine,” He folded his arms. “If you don’t eat, then I won’t eat.”
My mind flickered through a range of emotions- fury, insolence, worry, sadness, guilt, intrigue- before my expression settled again, and I spoke in a tone of curiosity.
“What have you had to eat today?”
He ran through his intake.
“A danish and coffee for breakfast, a couple of biscuits, a veggie wrap for lunch with some crisps, coffee and a chocolate bar, a couple more biscuits with coffee, a tracker bar and some tropical juice, some peanuts, a few haribo.”
Strider is a slim man. So slim I can see his ribs, they stick out from his concave stomach. My immediate reaction to him listing what he had already had that day was, ‘oh. What were you worrying about then? It’s not like he’s going to starve or something, skipping dinner one night won’t kill him, especially when he’s already eaten that.’
It was a horrible, horrible thought. I’m still in shock at my complete and utter apathy, my split-second acceptance that it meant nothing at all if he skipped dinner because he had already eaten that day. That’s not fair. It’s just appalling.
… A little part of me was even pleased that we wouldn’t waste time on food, and could instead spend more time playing Warhammer or something.
What a bitch.