Feeling horrendous today.
I keep being haunted by one recent memory.
Two weeks ago I was at the Significant Other’s house, refusing to eat dinner. He keeps telling me that I am ‘meant to be getting better now’, which apparently means I have to eat dinner, which categorically was not going to happen. He gave me an utterly pointless ultimatum.
“Fine,” He folded his arms. “If you don’t eat, then I won’t eat.”
My mind flickered through a range of emotions- fury, insolence, worry, sadness, guilt, intrigue- before my expression settled again, and I spoke in a tone of curiosity.
“What have you had to eat today?”
He ran through his intake.
“A danish and coffee for breakfast, a couple of biscuits, a veggie wrap for lunch with some crisps, coffee and a chocolate bar, a couple more biscuits with coffee, a tracker bar and some tropical juice, some peanuts, a few haribo.”
Strider is a slim man. So slim I can see his ribs, they stick out from his concave stomach. My immediate reaction to him listing what he had already had that day was, ‘oh. What were you worrying about then? It’s not like he’s going to starve or something, skipping dinner one night won’t kill him, especially when he’s already eaten that.’
It was a horrible, horrible thought. I’m still in shock at my complete and utter apathy, my split-second acceptance that it meant nothing at all if he skipped dinner because he had already eaten that day. That’s not fair. It’s just appalling.
… A little part of me was even pleased that we wouldn’t waste time on food, and could instead spend more time playing Warhammer or something.
What a bitch.
I laughed inside when I read this…I think we’ve all been in that situation! My ED brain would have remained defiant…and curious; as in, I wonder if he really *can* go all night without eating? I’d be watching with fascination. Call it a social experiment or something. I don’t think it makes you a bad person, in a difficult situation. There is no right or wrong to how we each recover and we can’t always control the thoughts that are thrown at us. What we can do is control how we respond to those thoughts. I think the positive in this is that you can see the irrationality of your thoughts and have identified them as such. It’s a step, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Thinking of you. xo.
Thankyou so much for your thoughts
it is like a weird kind of experiment, and I suppose since we had food on hand nothing would actually happen. If he felt faint or something he would eat, so it was just a test of how stubborn both of us could be! xx
He should know not to try and argue with an ED
There was a smugness and superiority I always felt when I refrained from eating, particularly when others were eating, or when they wanted to. I think if I were in this situation it would have been particularly prevalent. Ha! The difference being, that as you say – if he’d felt faint, he’d have eaten. What about you? Would you have been able to over-ride the ED thoughts? xo.
He should, yet continues to try! I might do more posts in future on some significant ED/Boyfriend clashes, which range from crying in the bedroom for two hours because he got me to eat curry, to the full on screaming-in-public disaster which occurred when he ordered the wrong size plate of nachos and said ‘don’t worry about it.’
I completely agree about feeling superior! Which is absurd, because really what is superior about feeling weak all the time? And in honesty- no, I could not override those feelings, as pretty much evidenced by my everyday life lol. They are still very much at the forefront of my mind, and the idea that one should eat because of feeling faint or ill seems so foreign… :/ x
Hmm, yeah I’ve been there (awkward matter of going out to dinner in my case and watching other people eat while I can’t find a single thing I’m okay ordering off the menu). I think the problem with any ED is that food plays way too large a role in one’s life, so it’s actually detrimental when people make a big deal like this, drawing even more attention to food/eating. It’s also kinda manipulative on his part, no? I prefer when someone is thoughtful enough to give me the option of having my “safe” foods while he/she eats, which can be as simple as a bowl of fruit or coffee. It’s also a-ok to start with having water or tea while other person eats and working up to more normal foods. Just my take. You’re a good writer!
thankyou ever so much
I think it is a bit manipulative too, but more out of desperation than anything else. He wants me to get ‘better’ so badly, and will try anything to make that happen. I’ll give him your suggestions though, they’re good ones!